... A combination of strong and lost...
This is my never ending, unfinished thought page, where I can just throw everything I haven't sorted out yet.
My random thoughts, ideas, lyrics, some of my favorite pictures and whatever else I can crowd the page with.
04.16.10
this is how you feel when you have no words left, you cant even be bothered to describe how hollow inside of you feels. you just try not to cry, because you want to be stronger then you were before, or because you promised yourself no one else was worth your tears. whatever the reasons not to cry, you do anyway. because your heart is so empty and yet so heavy, you cant bear to hold it anymore. you let out the only thing you can, tears. you're so angry and so sad at the same time, its confusing. its when that hollowness from your heart, spreads to the rest of your body and you just go limp. why even breathe? your lungs have no use if your heart is broken, its broken so it cant pump blood, your brain is useless, your body becomes numb, and that's when you fall so fucking hard, the rock at the bottom pierces through you, and the only thing left is pain.
my chest hurts. and the only reason I'm typing this is because it keeps a sharp object away from my wrists... how can a human being hurt another one so badly? i don't think I'll ever understand. there is murder and rape, and all of the cruel things already sadistically thrown into this ugly world, did we have to add heart break too?
06.21.10
I saw this on www.postsecret.com and it felt good to know that there is someone else out there who has the same feeling.
12.19.10
Love is the greatest weapon of destruction and the greatest source of bliss.
01.01.11
conscienceless emotion, raw passion, sexual temptation, uncontrollable lust, undeniable cosmic energy, thickened blood, gravity defying butterflies, tingles that you can feel in your core, ache, bliss, excitement, calmness, vivid intense desire, a rush of love that grips your heart and releases chemicals that taste so sweet it stings you, but leaves you feeling pure and so alive that you could swim in whatever it is youre drowning in without ever gasping for air.
04.05.11
Two years ago today at Wrestle Mania Stewart Pears asked me to marry
him. 2 freaking years. Man shit changes in 2 years, and yet
some things are the same. I'm still on this big ball just going around,
trying to figure out what it all means. Like knowing a meaning is going
to solve anything.... or change anything. on 04.25.11 we will be together for 208 weeks, and out of those weeks we've spent 83 of them together... We have spent more time apart, then we have together. Long distance relationships are pure bull shit. If I wasn't so sure he was the right one, it would have been over a long time ago. I want a hug.
04.08.11
"I'm sorry for the demon I've become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, but I don't regret one single word I said."
Five Finger Death Punch - Walk Away
04.25.11
Sia - My Love
You came thoughtfully
Loved me faithfully
You taught me honor
You did it for me
Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me, my love
Now I am strong, you gave me all
You gave all you had
And now I am home
My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do
I am mending, I'll be with you
05.17.11
So 05.06.11.... 10 days after being together for 4 years after the never ending roller coaster, the man I fought for after he told me to my face he wasn't in love with me, dumped me.
His excuse- "I had a break down, you deserve better." That's just a glorified version of "It's not you, it's me." So there I am single the first time in a long time and guys show interest. Is it so wrong to like the attention after being dumped out of no where?- via facebook. Oh plus I was at my sister's birthday party telling everyone 10 minutes before I found out that Stewart and I are great. (by the way you can write cunt on my forehead now.)
As far as I'm concerned it's been since December 2009 since I felt real love (actual touching, kissing, dancing, glances... the way it was) from Stewart. Even when he was here, he wasn't here. He didn't hug me, he didn't reach for my hand, every kiss was forced, every smile was faked, every moment was awkward. I thought because we had been apart for 10 months, but I didn't know it was because he couldn't wait to get on his laptop to talk to her. He was thinking about her.
The girl he liked the attention from, enjoyed her company for the past 4 months before he showed up to see me. The girl he loved now, was going to move in with when he got back, oh thats right the girl he came inside over and over. The girl he was going to fuck in every room of their new apartment they got together. The girl he talked marriage and babies with. All of this said mere feet from me, while he was acting shady on his laptop. Not to mention the pictures of himself (by "himself" I mean cock) he took from my bathroom and sent her. Oh and I forgot to mention while all of this was going on... he was still having sex with me. (telling her he wasn't, that he was ignoring all my advances.. lying to two chicks at the same time, that takes skills)
I had no clue he was seeing her, or talking to her when he got here. He lied to me for months saying how all he wanted was to get back from England for me, to be with me. I bet she was in the same room, when he sent me those facebook messages. Laughing and laughing.
But after I found out, I was the one who was laughing. (metaphorically, I was actually crying and contemplating a murder-suicide.. but I didn't do that) I put every single ounce of effort into wining him back. I even let him keep sleeping with me hoping it would fix us. I didn't realize it then, but my god that is pathetic. I spent over 2,000 $ on taking him out while he was here. Money I could have put to so much better use, if I had known he was going to change his ticket and leave early because he couldn't wait to spend the holidays with the girl he had been fucking for 4 months. (and bought her presents while he was here to take back to her... there was no way he was going to stay he was dead set in his head he was going back to her...)
I don't want to sit here and say I know what was going on in his head, I only know what goes on in mine, and can take guess to what goes on in his from what is shown to me....
He ripped my heart out, spit on it and threw it back in my face laughing. He said things to me that can never be unsaid or forgotten. And there I was back to being the stupid heartbroken girl, begging him to want me. Begging him not to leave. Wondering why I wasn't good enough for him... Locking myself in rooms crying on the floor. Even after I fond out he was talking to her on the computer I just still wanted him. Was it him or was it I just couldn't handle the rejection? He talked to her for hours on the laptop me sitting in the same or other room, heartless to how I felt. He didn't care that every word he typed, every smile and laugh shoved the knife further inside me.
And if he did care that he was hurting me it wasn't enough to stop talking to her or not to accept her calls...
I don't know what it was because it was only the last week he was here out of the 5 and a half weeks he was, he had a change of heart and wanted me. Realized she was the mistake, he was so sorry and that I was the only girl for him..... So for 4 weeks I was basically tormented by his relationship and love with this girl. I had to watch it all unfold in front of my eyes.
Powerless to stop it. Hopeless to stop it.
I thought he didn't love me, it was over.. only to be told different by him days before he gets on a plane... back to England, back to her.
His excuse- "I had a break down, you deserve better." That's just a glorified version of "It's not you, it's me." So there I am single the first time in a long time and guys show interest. Is it so wrong to like the attention after being dumped out of no where?- via facebook. Oh plus I was at my sister's birthday party telling everyone 10 minutes before I found out that Stewart and I are great. (by the way you can write cunt on my forehead now.)
As far as I'm concerned it's been since December 2009 since I felt real love (actual touching, kissing, dancing, glances... the way it was) from Stewart. Even when he was here, he wasn't here. He didn't hug me, he didn't reach for my hand, every kiss was forced, every smile was faked, every moment was awkward. I thought because we had been apart for 10 months, but I didn't know it was because he couldn't wait to get on his laptop to talk to her. He was thinking about her.
The girl he liked the attention from, enjoyed her company for the past 4 months before he showed up to see me. The girl he loved now, was going to move in with when he got back, oh thats right the girl he came inside over and over. The girl he was going to fuck in every room of their new apartment they got together. The girl he talked marriage and babies with. All of this said mere feet from me, while he was acting shady on his laptop. Not to mention the pictures of himself (by "himself" I mean cock) he took from my bathroom and sent her. Oh and I forgot to mention while all of this was going on... he was still having sex with me. (telling her he wasn't, that he was ignoring all my advances.. lying to two chicks at the same time, that takes skills)
I had no clue he was seeing her, or talking to her when he got here. He lied to me for months saying how all he wanted was to get back from England for me, to be with me. I bet she was in the same room, when he sent me those facebook messages. Laughing and laughing.
But after I found out, I was the one who was laughing. (metaphorically, I was actually crying and contemplating a murder-suicide.. but I didn't do that) I put every single ounce of effort into wining him back. I even let him keep sleeping with me hoping it would fix us. I didn't realize it then, but my god that is pathetic. I spent over 2,000 $ on taking him out while he was here. Money I could have put to so much better use, if I had known he was going to change his ticket and leave early because he couldn't wait to spend the holidays with the girl he had been fucking for 4 months. (and bought her presents while he was here to take back to her... there was no way he was going to stay he was dead set in his head he was going back to her...)
I don't want to sit here and say I know what was going on in his head, I only know what goes on in mine, and can take guess to what goes on in his from what is shown to me....
He ripped my heart out, spit on it and threw it back in my face laughing. He said things to me that can never be unsaid or forgotten. And there I was back to being the stupid heartbroken girl, begging him to want me. Begging him not to leave. Wondering why I wasn't good enough for him... Locking myself in rooms crying on the floor. Even after I fond out he was talking to her on the computer I just still wanted him. Was it him or was it I just couldn't handle the rejection? He talked to her for hours on the laptop me sitting in the same or other room, heartless to how I felt. He didn't care that every word he typed, every smile and laugh shoved the knife further inside me.
And if he did care that he was hurting me it wasn't enough to stop talking to her or not to accept her calls...
I don't know what it was because it was only the last week he was here out of the 5 and a half weeks he was, he had a change of heart and wanted me. Realized she was the mistake, he was so sorry and that I was the only girl for him..... So for 4 weeks I was basically tormented by his relationship and love with this girl. I had to watch it all unfold in front of my eyes.
Powerless to stop it. Hopeless to stop it.
I thought he didn't love me, it was over.. only to be told different by him days before he gets on a plane... back to England, back to her.
Well I have written that down to tell you this: After he broke up with me out of nowhere (which by the way that is a promise you broke to me, saying you would never leave me again no matter what after you realized what a mistake the other girl was... how much it hurt to leave me) after rebuilding the trust he shredded the last time he was here.. how am I supposed to trust him again? What if he has another mental breakdown and pushes me away again? Makes me feel like I am the reason he is always stressed? Throws me away and gives me some bullshit line about how I deserve better. I know Stewart and he is way too conceited to think anyone is better than him. He thinks he's above having a finger pointed at him, because what he did is in the past and what I did is now. (What you did is in the past because I wanted to move forward with you, but you comparing me, and saying all these things is making me dredge it up, not to justify myself but because you hurt me so bad and maybe I just want to point out that what I did is in no way compared to what you did to me in November) Well one thing always leads to another. The past is what defines our future. You took a huge shit on our past and now you're catching the smell. And you don't like it.
This was not a revenge thing, this was a act out compulsive thing. it was a reaction to being dumped, and unwanted.....
You want to say I have to earn your trust, well what about the trust you broke by dumping me straight out of nowhere? That was like catching a grenade and at the last second realizing the pins missing. I felt so good about me and you and then that hits me. I fell to my fucking knees when I read what you sent me. (This being written from a upset brokenhearted person right now, so it goes from basically telling anyone who reads this shit to telling Stewart as if I'm talking to him... sorry.)
Well there I was single, dumped, confused, heartbroken, basically all fucked up (hmm the way he said he was before he dumped me and made that mistake. that's him justifying what he did... but I'm not allowed to justify what I did. It's human nature to justify your actions) and what do I get a friendly hello from a friend on facebook. Now I'm a big enough person to admit, the conversation went to inappropriate levels. (the way his conversations did with her while he was here with me) but I'm not going to lie, I liked the attention. It felt good to know that Stewart wasn't the only guy who could want me (well actually facts from the few days before proved he didn't want me) He said I deserved better, well he changed his mind about that real quick when he realized maybe some other guys felt the same way...
Stewart went out with friends the 10 months we were apart. Work-do's, bank holiday weekends, stayed over friends (and lets not forget the girl now, wherever and whatever he did with her behind my back.. she will stay nameless because her name puts a bad taste in my mouth, and frankly shes a nameless slut. Plus one of his friends sent me a message saying she saw Stewart with some girl at a fair, and Stewart told me she was an unreliable source. convinced me he wasn't seeing anyone...) while I stayed at home, pining for him. waiting for him. just wishing and hoping we could be together soon... sending him cute little messages about how much i love him and cant wait to get married.... while he was porking the slut, falling in love with her, forgetting about me, enjoying her attention because she wasn't 3,000 miles away. (Oh and I want to put here, I only enjoyed attention from a guy after being dumped.. you enjoyed it while I thought we were very much together)
So now I am vulnerable after being dumped (again) and a guy invites me to go out, have fun. I'm not allowed to stop being miserable and say "you know what, fuck it ..what good does being heartbroken get me- thats right fuck all, I should go out and have a fun time" So you know what that's exactly what I did. I went out with a nice guy, had a fun time and didn't sleep with him. (Look at that, I'm not a whore and wont sleep with the first guy who makes me laugh.)
Now, Stewart went on to my facebook account and found the messages from the guy who showed interest in me after my status went to single. (which by the way he had my password forever but he only gave me his after he saw the messages from the guy. I guess so that makes it fair or even or what the fuck ever, never gave it to me after I asked him to delete and block the slut. I took his word that's what he did, and also that he wasn't texting her or vice versa. I never actually saw anything showing me he told her to fuck off and wanted me, he told me at the time he said that to her and she got upset and found another boy friend a week later)... so after he finds the facebook messages, He calls me up begging me not have sex with anyone, not to go see this guy, and saying he loves me and dumping me was a mistake. Oh he only realizes it was a mistake after he also realized that other guys would be happy to have me? He wanted me back and begged once he realized I wouldn't be sitting around again waiting for him.
After he had his fun for 4 months and I found out... I was the one who was begging him not to leave me even though he just shit on my heart. Now he says I shit on his heart because I went to an event with a guy (who I didn't fucking sleep with or kiss) and I need to earn his trust back... So now I'm the one doing the fucking begging again?
Well he needs to realize this as well..... he tells me there are consequences for our actions. Well you dumped me, and a guy showing interest in me is the consequence. Me wanting and needing to feel desired after being dumped by you is a consequence. Now I can understand I told you I wouldn't see him and I did, I broke a promise. My consequence is that you're mad. But you breaking up with me, making me beg for your trust.. That punishment doesn't fit the crime.
Stewart you mean everything to me. In ways I cant even explain, you have made me a stronger, braver, better person. And because you have made me grow up, I will not beg now. I will only say that I'm in love with you and I want you. The next move is up to you.
06.16.11
08.05.11
Self Destruction is Human Nature.
08.12.11
what i came to realize is, that broken hearts can still beat, i swear i don't think you ever get over someone breaking your heart, just learn to live with a broken heart..... and that you wont die, life keeps going on
no matter what, its unstoppable until it decides and
that the only way to keep up with it is to be as strong and brave and determined as it is.... life is just something you're thrown into and every second counts for something, whether that second is love, hate, laughter, crying, sex, pain, happiness... it all teaches you something for the next second....
08.19.11
Sometimes, stars have to explode.
08.21.11
My chest hurts... thats my heart dying.
...you know what, time is no ones friend... but if time is what you need, take it. just dont expect me to be waiting for you, or for me to jump into your arms when you figure out "I was the best thing to happen to you." too....
It's so fucking confusing to go from being in such heartbreaking pain, to wanting to rip his fucking heart out of his chest and tell him he's not worthy of his own.
...I couldn't be trusted with his? Everyone makes mistakes, and sorry means nothing until you can prove it. Just like you can promise someone the world, but until you deliver... its just words put together. I'm starting to wonder if people can promise anything about themselves to another. You promise they have your heart, but one day you take it back. You promise forever, but one day its over. You promise love, but one day its gone. How can we promise anything permanent, when nothing is?
How in the fuck could you ask me about your chances with the girl you were cheating on me with?! Months, fucking months! You were dating her, kissing her, going on holidays with her, fucking her in the ass!! all while telling me it was me you wanted, you dont want anything more, you love me, were soul mates, were the same star! You point your fucking finger at me, and drag all my mistakes up but you always forget your mistakes.
Something so stupid and small, and i never realize the things i should have said until later, so here they are.... the status update "your friend jokingly put up" about your holiday and love for your girlfriend... you could have told me then it was her who did it, but you didn't. you lied, you hid, and convinced me i was wrong. knowing the whole time every bit of it was true and you were still going on holiday with her... that makes you a coward just as much as me, and a liar. Then when you did tell me it was her who put it you yelled at her for it. but then you say she didn't know you were still seeing me, so how did you yell at her for it?! hmmmmm??
Oh and you can forgive her for running back to her ex, and cheating on you with another guy because you were cheating on her with me... and she did it because you were, but then again she said she didnt know you were still seeing me... so either she did know and fucked around on you anyway or she didn't know and oh fucked around on you anyway... plus if you really want to look at it, yeah me and you were technically together but how together can you be with half a planet between you? we said we loved each other and made future plans, but is that really cheating on her because we couldnt have sex, but you and her could....
I love how she says she cant trust you, but youre so willing to trust her again. In honesty I hope she fucks around again, and i know she will. Not because i want you hurt or revenge but so you can see she is manipulative, backstabbing cunt just like i told you. and like you said she was too... You think i got used? what the hell were you to her but a sex toy, and one that would fuck her in the weird way she liked. (thanks for all the details by the way glad you feel good to get them out, i just feel disgusted) You were her escape from the pain of her ex, that simple. Oh and i love the "I'll ask you out in a month." thing... I didn't realize it until later but that lines up with her birthday!! I remember hers because you thought it was mine you piece of shit.... what were you doing for my birthday? oh thats right fucking her....
You were a cold heartless bastard the last time we talked, and i'm not saying i deserve you kissing my ass, but at least i was being nice. i listened to everything you told me, every detail, answered every question, and bit my tongue so hard blood was in my mouth. I might have lied about some of my actions, but I always told you the truth about my feelings. One day its please dont leave me, i need you, i want you, youre everything, my whole life.... the next day i'm out like yesterdays garbage... because she text you? she came over and gave you a tiny glimpse of some possibility with her? but i'm a whore because a guy showed me romance? something I havent seen in years! I gave it up for a sweet guy, who went out of his way to do something nice for me with roses and wine. You gave it up to get revenge, and she gave it up just to fuck you.... what i did was wrong, but you cant keep pointing it out when you were fucking her way before and long after what i did happened. You call me easy? Fucking someone for revenge is the easiest thing you can do... mine wasnt about revenge, it was about caring and sweetness, someone showing me what i deserve, what i lost, what i needed... i wanted it from you but you were too busy fucking your revenge in the ass, and our relationship.
Mine wasn't a on going thing, but you cant seem to wrap your head around that. You did yours for months and lied the entire time, to me and her! I never knew and you were telling her you werent with me, even when you were here! You say i kicked the shit out of your heart, at least i never did it to your face.. you kicked the shit out of mine too, and my back! You told me all the details about how she sucked in bed, you had to think of me to get off, you called her Shay so many times... yeah it felt good to hear but i didn't know then you were capable of such lies. lying to me and her, us blocking each other on facebook so i couldnt see the pictures of you two kissing and all the i love you bullshit, and she couldnt see any of mine on yours or yours on mine.. so fucking clever!! You told her you werent sleeping with me, then said we had the best night ever, (and the best love making because we had something so much deeper then anything you could have with her...) unbelievably amazing! but that was probably a lie too.... and even after i forgave you... you dump me, we get back together (only after you realized youre not the only guy who could want me..) and go ahead and do it again... right back to her for the accessible pussy (well ass) I know I made my mistake before all this, but you said you forgave me, but obviously you didn't if you needed revenge.... I admitted everything started because of me, I made one stupid choice, hurt you and myself. But after you forgave me, well said you did.. I was committed, I wanted nothing more then to be with you, marry you, love you, 1000%.... I might have started it, but you kept it going so long that it took us to the place we are now.
You tell me you want to be with her, even after all the dirty things you told me about her, cut her down to nothing said she was the biggest mistake of your life..... you tell me the road we were on has come to and end.... then you tell me you love me, you have a big surprise for me, you want me to come to england, go to greece, get close again rekindle things.. and i say i dont want to use you that way because i know my feelings have changed, and i dont want to make false promises of anything.... yet you keep trying, fighting.
[8/15/2011 9:16:42 AM] Stewart Pears: You are my soul mate i have never ever thought other wise.
[8/15/2011 10:41:22 AM] Stewart Pears: and i really cant wait to just be with you again
[8/15/2011 10:53:01 AM] Stewart Pears: i think fate is trying to dull us because our love is just to powerful for the world
[8/15/2011 2:25:07 PM] Stewart Pears: i love this
[8/15/2011 2:25:11 PM] Stewart Pears: right now this moment
[8/15/2011 2:25:23 PM] Stewart Pears: i want to keep this forever
[8/18/2011 12:01:06 PM] Stewart Pears: i miss your oh so kissable and so soft, valumptious lips
[8/18/2011 11:17:23 PM] Stewart Pears: i love you
I fought, and fought, and fought.... and fought. I know you fought too, but we both just got beat to shit. I have always said love is a risk, but its also a fight. Anything worth holding on to is worth fighting for... we just couldnt hold each other anymore. I believe that the only thing that came between us is an ocean....
But if you start seeing her, its going to be new, fresh and exciting... it will be lust and fun.... but once that fades you will never connect with her the way you and me did. We found our soul mates, before our souls even met... we just forgot that between the distance and loneliness.
My head feels like its choking my heart, or my heart is choking my head... Its not a question of will i ever get over this, but will i ever understand it? I am sorry, for every little thing that needs an apology.... but I'm not going to wait around for you. You go back and forth between me and her, you dont know what you want because you keep me on the back burner with: just give you time, you cant quit me, you cant not love me, and you hope our paths meet again. in case it doesnt work out with her, and her on the back burner in case it doesnt work out with me... I know heartbreak isn't something that just fades, but to quote you and to quote Bob Marley- "everyone is going to hurt you, just have to find the ones worth suffering for."
Also... I have enough respect for myself to jump off the burner.
Should our paths cross................ I hope we have come far enough to go in the right direction, whatever direction that might be.
...you know what, time is no ones friend... but if time is what you need, take it. just dont expect me to be waiting for you, or for me to jump into your arms when you figure out "I was the best thing to happen to you." too....
It's so fucking confusing to go from being in such heartbreaking pain, to wanting to rip his fucking heart out of his chest and tell him he's not worthy of his own.
...I couldn't be trusted with his? Everyone makes mistakes, and sorry means nothing until you can prove it. Just like you can promise someone the world, but until you deliver... its just words put together. I'm starting to wonder if people can promise anything about themselves to another. You promise they have your heart, but one day you take it back. You promise forever, but one day its over. You promise love, but one day its gone. How can we promise anything permanent, when nothing is?
How in the fuck could you ask me about your chances with the girl you were cheating on me with?! Months, fucking months! You were dating her, kissing her, going on holidays with her, fucking her in the ass!! all while telling me it was me you wanted, you dont want anything more, you love me, were soul mates, were the same star! You point your fucking finger at me, and drag all my mistakes up but you always forget your mistakes.
Something so stupid and small, and i never realize the things i should have said until later, so here they are.... the status update "your friend jokingly put up" about your holiday and love for your girlfriend... you could have told me then it was her who did it, but you didn't. you lied, you hid, and convinced me i was wrong. knowing the whole time every bit of it was true and you were still going on holiday with her... that makes you a coward just as much as me, and a liar. Then when you did tell me it was her who put it you yelled at her for it. but then you say she didn't know you were still seeing me, so how did you yell at her for it?! hmmmmm??
Oh and you can forgive her for running back to her ex, and cheating on you with another guy because you were cheating on her with me... and she did it because you were, but then again she said she didnt know you were still seeing me... so either she did know and fucked around on you anyway or she didn't know and oh fucked around on you anyway... plus if you really want to look at it, yeah me and you were technically together but how together can you be with half a planet between you? we said we loved each other and made future plans, but is that really cheating on her because we couldnt have sex, but you and her could....
I love how she says she cant trust you, but youre so willing to trust her again. In honesty I hope she fucks around again, and i know she will. Not because i want you hurt or revenge but so you can see she is manipulative, backstabbing cunt just like i told you. and like you said she was too... You think i got used? what the hell were you to her but a sex toy, and one that would fuck her in the weird way she liked. (thanks for all the details by the way glad you feel good to get them out, i just feel disgusted) You were her escape from the pain of her ex, that simple. Oh and i love the "I'll ask you out in a month." thing... I didn't realize it until later but that lines up with her birthday!! I remember hers because you thought it was mine you piece of shit.... what were you doing for my birthday? oh thats right fucking her....
You were a cold heartless bastard the last time we talked, and i'm not saying i deserve you kissing my ass, but at least i was being nice. i listened to everything you told me, every detail, answered every question, and bit my tongue so hard blood was in my mouth. I might have lied about some of my actions, but I always told you the truth about my feelings. One day its please dont leave me, i need you, i want you, youre everything, my whole life.... the next day i'm out like yesterdays garbage... because she text you? she came over and gave you a tiny glimpse of some possibility with her? but i'm a whore because a guy showed me romance? something I havent seen in years! I gave it up for a sweet guy, who went out of his way to do something nice for me with roses and wine. You gave it up to get revenge, and she gave it up just to fuck you.... what i did was wrong, but you cant keep pointing it out when you were fucking her way before and long after what i did happened. You call me easy? Fucking someone for revenge is the easiest thing you can do... mine wasnt about revenge, it was about caring and sweetness, someone showing me what i deserve, what i lost, what i needed... i wanted it from you but you were too busy fucking your revenge in the ass, and our relationship.
Mine wasn't a on going thing, but you cant seem to wrap your head around that. You did yours for months and lied the entire time, to me and her! I never knew and you were telling her you werent with me, even when you were here! You say i kicked the shit out of your heart, at least i never did it to your face.. you kicked the shit out of mine too, and my back! You told me all the details about how she sucked in bed, you had to think of me to get off, you called her Shay so many times... yeah it felt good to hear but i didn't know then you were capable of such lies. lying to me and her, us blocking each other on facebook so i couldnt see the pictures of you two kissing and all the i love you bullshit, and she couldnt see any of mine on yours or yours on mine.. so fucking clever!! You told her you werent sleeping with me, then said we had the best night ever, (and the best love making because we had something so much deeper then anything you could have with her...) unbelievably amazing! but that was probably a lie too.... and even after i forgave you... you dump me, we get back together (only after you realized youre not the only guy who could want me..) and go ahead and do it again... right back to her for the accessible pussy (well ass) I know I made my mistake before all this, but you said you forgave me, but obviously you didn't if you needed revenge.... I admitted everything started because of me, I made one stupid choice, hurt you and myself. But after you forgave me, well said you did.. I was committed, I wanted nothing more then to be with you, marry you, love you, 1000%.... I might have started it, but you kept it going so long that it took us to the place we are now.
You tell me you want to be with her, even after all the dirty things you told me about her, cut her down to nothing said she was the biggest mistake of your life..... you tell me the road we were on has come to and end.... then you tell me you love me, you have a big surprise for me, you want me to come to england, go to greece, get close again rekindle things.. and i say i dont want to use you that way because i know my feelings have changed, and i dont want to make false promises of anything.... yet you keep trying, fighting.
[8/15/2011 9:16:42 AM] Stewart Pears: You are my soul mate i have never ever thought other wise.
[8/15/2011 10:41:22 AM] Stewart Pears: and i really cant wait to just be with you again
[8/15/2011 10:53:01 AM] Stewart Pears: i think fate is trying to dull us because our love is just to powerful for the world
[8/15/2011 2:25:07 PM] Stewart Pears: i love this
[8/15/2011 2:25:11 PM] Stewart Pears: right now this moment
[8/15/2011 2:25:23 PM] Stewart Pears: i want to keep this forever
[8/18/2011 12:01:06 PM] Stewart Pears: i miss your oh so kissable and so soft, valumptious lips
[8/18/2011 11:17:23 PM] Stewart Pears: i love you
I fought, and fought, and fought.... and fought. I know you fought too, but we both just got beat to shit. I have always said love is a risk, but its also a fight. Anything worth holding on to is worth fighting for... we just couldnt hold each other anymore. I believe that the only thing that came between us is an ocean....
But if you start seeing her, its going to be new, fresh and exciting... it will be lust and fun.... but once that fades you will never connect with her the way you and me did. We found our soul mates, before our souls even met... we just forgot that between the distance and loneliness.
My head feels like its choking my heart, or my heart is choking my head... Its not a question of will i ever get over this, but will i ever understand it? I am sorry, for every little thing that needs an apology.... but I'm not going to wait around for you. You go back and forth between me and her, you dont know what you want because you keep me on the back burner with: just give you time, you cant quit me, you cant not love me, and you hope our paths meet again. in case it doesnt work out with her, and her on the back burner in case it doesnt work out with me... I know heartbreak isn't something that just fades, but to quote you and to quote Bob Marley- "everyone is going to hurt you, just have to find the ones worth suffering for."
Also... I have enough respect for myself to jump off the burner.
Should our paths cross................ I hope we have come far enough to go in the right direction, whatever direction that might be.
I will always believe in love.
09.08.11
My heart is a revolving door. You found your way in, you can find your way out.
I am actually so sick of the Stewart & Shay topic. The roller coaster had its fun, exciting, feel weightless moments, but it also had those shakes you so hard and comes to a halt that it makes you feel sick parts.
Up and down, up and down, going around in loops, giant drops, and a lot of up hill just to go all the way back down again. (by the way I love metaphors.) Although the view from the top, breath taking for those few moments... makes the whole ride seem worth it.
I'm not gonna sit here and go into anymore details, I know what was said. He knows what was said... Honestly, me... I have nothing left to say because I have already said it.
Just think this may fit, you sent it to me:
Alterbridge- Brand New Start
Against the sky
Streams of light
Call out to me and you
We leave as one
We've just begun
To find the solace we're due
This is the life we must choose
We will make a brand new start
From the pieces torn apart
The break of day is before us
Cast your sorrows to the wind
Let the highway take us in
As we escape the disorder
This desert road
That we call home
This is our destiny
We'll chase the setting sun
As we outrun
A life of agony
God how we ache to be free
We'll make our way.
We will just make our own brand new starts... our brand new selves... brand new lives.
But, just because its over, doesn't mean it didn't happen. I mean it when I say you are that one person that I will never get over. Sorry I don't want to give too much away... but like any "drug" you have to know when enough is enough.... 7, Blue, Saturn, Beautiful Torture.
I am actually so sick of the Stewart & Shay topic. The roller coaster had its fun, exciting, feel weightless moments, but it also had those shakes you so hard and comes to a halt that it makes you feel sick parts.
Up and down, up and down, going around in loops, giant drops, and a lot of up hill just to go all the way back down again. (by the way I love metaphors.) Although the view from the top, breath taking for those few moments... makes the whole ride seem worth it.
I'm not gonna sit here and go into anymore details, I know what was said. He knows what was said... Honestly, me... I have nothing left to say because I have already said it.
Just think this may fit, you sent it to me:
Alterbridge- Brand New Start
Against the sky
Streams of light
Call out to me and you
We leave as one
We've just begun
To find the solace we're due
This is the life we must choose
We will make a brand new start
From the pieces torn apart
The break of day is before us
Cast your sorrows to the wind
Let the highway take us in
As we escape the disorder
This desert road
That we call home
This is our destiny
We'll chase the setting sun
As we outrun
A life of agony
God how we ache to be free
We'll make our way.
We will just make our own brand new starts... our brand new selves... brand new lives.
But, just because its over, doesn't mean it didn't happen. I mean it when I say you are that one person that I will never get over. Sorry I don't want to give too much away... but like any "drug" you have to know when enough is enough.... 7, Blue, Saturn, Beautiful Torture.
09.09.11
Free as a bird, out of a cage of lies, malice, and drama. I feel so amazing! honestly. I can't wait to enjoy every experience in my life that I was holding back on. :) ♥
Just when you think life sucks, it smacks you and says "no, you have been looking in the wrong direction... " Then everything becomes clear.
Just when you think life sucks, it smacks you and says "no, you have been looking in the wrong direction... " Then everything becomes clear.
11.17.11
.....Do me a favor and don't tell me my reasons behind what I say or do... because you have no fucking clue just how much of a different person I am now.
Learn to not use the past as a razor to cut each other. Don't judge because sometimes we do and say things we can't explain. Emotions and impulses can get the best of everyone now and again. Be honest. Let go of bitterness. Know with nothing but truth in our hearts and heads that we both fucked up. But, agree to let forgiveness prevail, let love begin to heal our wounds instead of anger eat us alive... promise to fight fair, keep respect for the person we fell in love with, and no matter what remember that people are not their mistakes.
12.03.11
I have lied plenty in my life. Lied for some reason unknown, lied for the wrong reasons sometimes the right reasons. Lied to cause fights, lied to avoid fights. Lied to be a hero and lied because I was a coward... but I have learned that the truth no matter how cold, sharp or painful, it is always the ladder out of the hole you dig with lies... Wish some people would see the ladder...
12.05.11
..When I fall in love, I fall hard and I don't realize on the way down all the sharp rocks at the bottom until they are breaking every part of me... but also when I put myself back together, I'm stronger...
12.17.11
02.13.12
Don't tell me you will love me forever. Because, you can't promise that. Just tell me you love me the way I am, right now.
In this moment.
Promise to fall in love with me everyday.
Respect the woman I am with out totally understanding it. Crave me, Learn me, Savor me, Protect me, Teach me, Romance me, Inspire me, Honor me, Trust me, Amuse me, Surprise me, Just Love Me.
I love that I can fidget with you when we are cuddling. I love that we cuddle. We can laugh at each others flaws, and accept them. We have both been scarred by love but we still believe, we still hope. We judge with out any validity. We can be boring and still have fun. We can talk and explore one another. We cry. We laugh. We dream. We star gaze. We trust. We're nervous, trip up our words, doubt ourselves, worry and over think things. We see the strength, courage, unselfishness and heart in each other.
02.27.12
Gravity vanished inside me, and my heart floated away.
As I light my last cigarette I realize I have to give up these addictions, and that includes you.
There are no sacrifices in love except your own heart.
-girl- "Why do you tell her that you love her?"
-boy- "Because it's what she wants to hear."
-girl- "Do you love her?"
-boy- "No."
-girl- "Are you saying that because you think that is what I want to hear?"
-boy- "Yes."
02.29.12
On the sudden I am awake,
I am in a room,
with you -- Nothing I could ever contain! --
under my arm, on my chest.
You are burning with seamless entirety.
For a long second I look at your quiet face the smoothness of the lines that draw out your open eyes.
A moment is all I can hold of you.
In that moment all of you fires to the surface every particle shows off its side, its bend.
In a moment
In the stillness,
In the warmth of your features, everything I have ever been --
the demons,
all the faces I have worn,
all my ghosts and disguises,
all my armours and my gowns,
come out for you and yours for me.
I am in a room,
with you -- Nothing I could ever contain! --
under my arm, on my chest.
You are burning with seamless entirety.
For a long second I look at your quiet face the smoothness of the lines that draw out your open eyes.
A moment is all I can hold of you.
In that moment all of you fires to the surface every particle shows off its side, its bend.
In a moment
In the stillness,
In the warmth of your features, everything I have ever been --
the demons,
all the faces I have worn,
all my ghosts and disguises,
all my armours and my gowns,
come out for you and yours for me.
03.04.12
04.04.12
Gazing up towards the heavens,
the clouds form your face.
Bright stars twinkling
stars in your eyes,
I long for your embrace.
In your world,
I ponder where you are this minute,
as I tense with fear of mine
without you in it.
Silently, swiftly, your entrance
with such masculine grace,
my heart quickly to race.
Loyal and dedicated,,
mastered by few.
My final fantasy,
my hero,
it is you.
04.04.12
"You're not on my list of things to do
because I've already done you...
At least you'll have nice thoughts of me, when I am cheating on you
in your dreams.
I've told you before my closet's clean,
and that these bones don't belong to me."
You Me At Six
because I've already done you...
At least you'll have nice thoughts of me, when I am cheating on you
in your dreams.
I've told you before my closet's clean,
and that these bones don't belong to me."
You Me At Six
04.21.12
I got some appreciation from my dad, wow... it feels good. Is it so wrong all I want is a little thanks and for him to recognize what I do instead of constantly being criticized? but he doesn't understand how snarky comments after a while it really fucks with you, and that the conversations he thinks and say are two totally different things.
A "you are." when asked "who's the first one there when you ask?" is about as good as it's gonna get.
A "you are." when asked "who's the first one there when you ask?" is about as good as it's gonna get.
06.01.12
"Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say of me, say of me, say of me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say of me, say of me, say of me,
This one's a fighter."
- The Fighter / Gym Class Heroes
Gonna live life til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say of me, say of me, say of me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say of me, say of me, say of me,
This one's a fighter."
- The Fighter / Gym Class Heroes
06.16.12
It really is true, every time your heart is broken, it heals back stronger, tougher, bigger... capable of holding more love. I think we really need to have our heart broken a few times before it is strong enough to hold true love inside of it. I'm not scared anymore. I'm not scared of the pain or loneliness of a broken heart... Its a comforting emotion, trusting you with my heart, and knowing should our hearts be broken they will be just fine. Each break makes the next love that much sweeter.
07.30.12
i made this. :)
09.10.12
- I want a guy who tells his friends that I'm just amazing, loves my giggle, is sweet, romantic, thoughtful, kills spiders, likes what I like, honest, funny, spontaneous, accepts me for all my flaws, knows that I will have more, but doesn't care because there is something so wonderful about me he can't explain it and can't ever get enough of it.
- .... oh and is hot, has a job, and fucks like a romance novel.
- Every guy... and girl, is a heart breaker. Until they find that one person that makes it untrue.
10.14.12
I feel some things intensely, but I can change my mind too.. like one minute I feel this way but something happens and I change my mind... if there is one thing I trust its my emotions.. although I also cant trust them because its emotional, but usually the first thing I feel is pure, that's true. People get mad because I change my mind, go back and forth, but I cant help how I feel... my emotions are in a constant state of change....
12.30.12
07.21.13
Women are carriers. We carry our heart, our flaws, our responsibilities, burdens, worries, cares, hopes, dreams, nightmares, and babies... and sometimes all that in heels.
A man should lighten the load. Steal our heart, throw out our flaws, carry our responsibilities, burdens, worries, and if he is sweet, our purse. Support our hopes and dreams. Be brave and hold us in their arms when nightmares take over.
A man doesn't have to make you happy everyday but he shouldn't make you unhappy everyday.
A man should lighten the load. Steal our heart, throw out our flaws, carry our responsibilities, burdens, worries, and if he is sweet, our purse. Support our hopes and dreams. Be brave and hold us in their arms when nightmares take over.
A man doesn't have to make you happy everyday but he shouldn't make you unhappy everyday.
08.30.13
09.10.13
Every time I try to escape, I fly into a cage with uglier bars.
09.25.13
THE FIRST STEP IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST
BECAUSE
EVERY FUCKING OBSTACLE IS IN FRONT OF IT.
10.03.13
10.17.13
and here is where I wanted to just put some random pics I have and like.. and I was looking through them I started imagining what my perfect life would be like... house, husband, travel, love, serenity, health, happiness...
10.23.13
05.10.14
I've searched valleys and mountaintops
Rolling hills and ticking clocks
Were all I heard all that sound
Never thought love could be found.
I kept passing by every sign
Hoping one day I'd make you mine.
We'd be laughing side by side,
Darling I'm thrilled to have you
By my side
I want my love to surround you.
[Echosmith]
Rolling hills and ticking clocks
Were all I heard all that sound
Never thought love could be found.
I kept passing by every sign
Hoping one day I'd make you mine.
We'd be laughing side by side,
Darling I'm thrilled to have you
By my side
I want my love to surround you.
[Echosmith]
07.22.14
Come away little lost
Come away to the water
To the ones that are waiting only for you
Come away little lost
Come away to the water
Away from the life that you always knew
We are calling to you
Come away little light
Come away to the darkness
In the shade of the night we’ll come looking for you
Come away little light
Come away to the darkness
To the ones appointed to see it through
We are calling for you
We are coming for you
Come away little lamb
Come away to the water
Give yourself so we might live anew
Come away little lamb
Come away to the slaughter
To the ones appointed to see this through
We are calling for you
We are coming for you
Come away little lamb
Come away to the water
To the arms that are waiting only for you
Come away little lamb
come away to the slaughter
To the one appointed to see this through
We are calling for you
We are coming for you
[Maroon 5] [The Hunger Games]
08.03.14
this world sucks. i hate people. i hate the way things work out or dont work out... i hate everything. i really do. i hate where i am in life, i hate my job, i hate getting paid peanuts to basically kill myself getting coffee for people who have real jobs... i hate that i'm hungry right now and the 5 to 7 dollars or more it would cost to feed myself is a second thought.. like what kind of world do we live in where we have to reconsider eating or not because we dont have enough money even though we work full time jobs? fuck this fucking world. i hate it.. i hate that i dont get to make the rules.. who the fuck decided the rules? free will my fucking ass... my free will is follow the rules, or basically go to jail... i hate this place so much that i regularly think about mass genocide. people are a disease spread all over this planet and we are killing everything wonderful about it just by existing.
09.04.14
...
One day, nothing will matter and everything you've ever known will be gone. It makes it a little easier to realize everything is pointless.
We are just a speck of dust for one second in this infinite universe and we call it a life... the bad news: nothing you do matters. the good news: nothing you do matters.
11.06.14.
03.19.15
04.10.15
I watched a spider come out of nowhere, like creeping death. It grabbed this bug and tried to devour it. The bug fought and tried to get away, for a second I thought it might. As I watched this spider carry this bug I thought what a fight, what a fight for life. It's not a fight to the death, it's a fight for life. The bug doesn't want to be in any of the 8 arms of its predator, it struggles against it to live. It fights to live. The spider has to kill to survive... They are both fighting for life. |
05.27.15
06.16.15
You were right; I was the only one who was going to get hurt.
You were a wolf pretending to be a lamb, pretending to fall in love with this lamb.
You devoured me.
I let you.